For Black Arawn, Part I

I don’t know if all of you know my friend Black Arawn. He’s been a good friend since I first got on MySpace a year ago. Gosh, Troy, an entire year! Amazing! We have common musical interests (he’s smarter than I am, though) and share interests in quite a number of other things. We lurk around each other’s blogs, and every now and then sneak in comments when the other one least expects it. (I’m overdue to comment on his.)

Troy tagged me last night. The first thing I did when I saw the word “tag” was to groan audibly. Again with the tagging! I’ve done this 9 freaking times already! I was determined to just add his six to the previous 54 and have an even 60 to bore the heck out of everyone. But then I read the challenge again. This isn’t like the other 9 times at all, and since it isn’t, you have been spared the other 54.

Troy wants 3-6 truths that have affected you and your life philosophy. He tagged a total of 11 people with this. I don’t know about the others, but I am taking this seriously. For me, to talk about my life philosophy is not “fun and games” and to be taken lightly. He wants to know, and so I am going to tell him. My truths come in the form of quotes. Some have been with me all of my life, some a little more recent as I have changed a great deal, even since a year ago. In fact, in this past year alone, my life has changed dramatically. This is Part I, because I did do six, and the explanations are long. And now, without further adieu, the first three of six quotes that have affected me and my life philosophy.

1. In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. ~ Thomas Jefferson

This was instilled in me through my mother, who had it instilled in her through her father. For all their faults and idiosyncrasies, these two people impacted me the most through this philosophy. My grandfather was a prolific writer. I’d like to say I got that talent from him, but I cannot. My mother was adopted, and he died when I was a year old. I have, however, read a good deal of his writing, and my grandmother used to tell me stories about letters to the editor of the local (population 6,000) paper, and the many times he would appear in the editor’s column for some antic or another or some statement he would make. Occasionally, he would find himself mentioned in the Omaha World-Herald. He knew his subjects, and he had opinions. Always, in matters of principle, he stood like a rock. My mother was the same way. She and I didn’t quite see eye-to-eye politically speaking, and to get her riled up was never a good thing. So I learned to keep my mouth shut at home. I did learn, however, how to stand like a rock in matters of principle. She could defend her position like no other. If you could not support your opinion then, in her eyes, you had no opinion. Just like Teacher With A ‘Tude, she would say, “Look it up.” If you didn’t look it up, then you didn’t know what you stood for. And if you didn’t know what you stood for, you stood for nothing.

2. Sometimes you have to go the long way around to come back the short way correctly. Edward Albee, Zoo Story

People thought I was lazy as I was growing up. Not so. I was fortunate in some respects to have a few teachers, as well as my parents, who recognised this. At the time, one didn’t realise that there were ways in which to deal with it. It just was the way it was, and we would try to find ways to work around it. My sixth grade teacher once said I had the mind of Einstein and suggested I have my intelligence tested. We did. My IQ is 152. Without the ability to focus, however, this meant nothing. My brain random-fired badly, and as you would find with a 1960s computer mainframe, it was always sorting and filing and shifting information from one place to another, just as you would see with keypunch cards. What I think no one understood was how debilitating this process could be at times. At the same time, I didn’t understand why, if I knew an answer, I had to prove it. I just knew, and people should just accept that. So, to confuse matters worse, I would have to backtrack, go through the cloverleaf on the intellectual highway, find the resolutions everyone else wanted, and then move forward again. Thus, it was going the long way around to come back the short way correctly.

This held true in the rest of my life, as well. I was an emotional mess. I grew up confused, due in part to my home life, and due in another part to how my brain worked. I didn’t fit well in the world. I didn’t know how to fit. I’m not sure I do to this day, but I think I am coming around. I was never able to wrap my head around the expectations of society. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be a free spirit. Why did I have to live up to everyone else’s expectations of me? Why couldn’t I just be me? Life doesn’t work that way, though. After 53 years, I’m just now starting to get the hang of that. In the process, my relationship with my siblings, my marriage and – to a certain extent – my relationship with my children have all been negatively affected. It’s too late in regards to the relationship with my siblings, and way the heck too late in regards to my marriage. The kids, there may still be hope, but it will never be what it could have been if I had just understood then what I understand now. It’s been 53 years of the long way around.

3. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. Mahatma Ghandi

I grew up in an environment that included friends of my grandparents. On both sides, my grandparents knew fascinating people. On my father’s side, my grandfather had been a missionary to Japan in the early years of the 20th Century. He was big on helping refugees, and so we saw many, many people of varied ethnic backgrounds in and around him as we were growing up.

The “celebrity” side would be my mother’s parents. My great-aunt Daisy was appointed under Ruth Bryan Owen, daughter of William Jennings Bryan, to serve a diplomatic mission in Euope in 1933. My grandmother was a concert pianist and counted Arthur Rubinstein and Ruth Etting among her friends. She taught piano to Eugenie Anderson, the first woman US ambassador. Ethel Guenther, ambassador to the Middle East, was my sixth grade teacher’s sister and a long-time friend of my grandmother’s.

These are the kinds of role models and influences I had in my life.

In 1967, I was severely impacted by two things. The first was the Six Day War in Israel. Ethel Guenther was there at the time. I was frightened for her, and acutely aware, after several conversations with her, the impact of such a war in the area. I was in awe of her, and had the deepest respect for her courage, her awareness and her talent for doing good works in the face of the treachery that surrounded her. I was almost 14. At the same time this occurred, the US was experiencing large-scale anti-war protests nationwide.

It was then I began to see a big picture that both alarmed me and caused me to understand the importance of individual efforts in trying to restore a sense of order in a world of chaos. I chose to be what I term an “inactive activist”. I started at that time to do what I do best, and that is work from behind the scenes. It was important to me to write, and I wrote volumes. In later years, I applied that to environmental issues, as well. I ended up stopping for several years, for reasons I still don’t know, but took up the torch again a few years ago. As long as I am able, I will continue to write, to do what I feel I can to once again try to bring about a sense of order in a world of chaos.

Thus ends the first three. I have bread to bake and cookies to make and so will come back with the other three when I am done.